CHRISTMAS AND BIOLOGY
by Arthur W. Siebens, Ph.D., Copyright 1995
(to the tune of [You picked a fine time to leave me] "Lucille," by Hal Bynum and Roger Bowling, as sung by Kenny Rogers)

'Bout 2000 years ago an event took place
That would change the evolution of man (and woman).
A child was born to a virgin mother
And the government couldn't understand.
So they started a science, called it "biology,"
Set up funding to study all things
Pertaining to Christmas, the name that they called it,
To see what adaptations this event would bring.

CHORUS
The repercussions went so far and wide,
But by far the most important was biology's rise.
Once we were all lost, but now we're all found,
We can't explain virgin birth, but at least we're around.

It wasn't long after that small child was born
People rejoiced with a Christmas feast.
But it soon `came apparent, you couldn't eat much
Without a GI (gastrointestinal) motility increase.
So the secretions got turned up, the food moved much faster
'Til today you can eat like a horse.
But if you look through phylogeny to find the reason,
You'll be all wrong, it was Christmas, of course!

Soon people gave presents, went shopping around,
The capitalists invented the store (thus starting the field of economics).
Before long, the pulmonary system was exhausted,
The poor heart just didn't have no more.
Fifteen stores an hour, five aisles a minute,
It's a wonder we made it at all.
But the body's adaptive, it adjusts to the stress,
'Til today you can race through the biggest shopping mall.

CHORUS

Now being able to shop for large numbers of packages
Made problems they never foresaw.
Standing in line in one spot for an hour,
All the blood rushing down to the floor,
So like a smart plumber, we got some small valves,
Keeping the blood off our feet.
So just 'cause there's Christmas, you can wait hours for buses,
And cops can all stand on their beat.

Now the vomit reflex is something of interest
To lovers of the finest music.
'Cause every year another disgusting Christmas song
Makes those with low thresholds* sick. Maybe someday, with more adaptation, We'll withstand bad songs one and all But in the meantime, for those with low thresholds The bathroom is right down the hall. CHORUS
* Threshold - the lowest detectable level of a stimulus.